Ronald G. Bump took oath as the 74th president of Gotham on January 20. It’s only been eight days or so and he has accomplished so much in that time it puts all his predecessors to shame. In his own words, he sees “light shining all over the world after the presidency.” Was he talking about the Bat signal turning into a Gotham-friendly light?
Something you shouldn’t know: The G in the name is for Giant but we’re not supposed to spell it out on paper because when we do, the name often sounds too real for those concerned with “humanity.” Propagandists often call him a giant bump in the road to humankind’s progress; “millions” of propagandists. We don’t want to side with them, do we?
Anyhow, let’s get back to the topic of the new presidency. The TWH team has interviewed millions of Gotham thugs. One of them said, “We’ve waited far too long for a president that truly represents the real citizens of Gotham — the convicted felons.” This is actually true as Mr. Bump is the first president who’s also a convicted felon. Our interviewee continued, “It was his duty to release the January 6 rioters on the first day in office. [Whispering: Was it 16 hundred or million?]” Our team later clarified that this was an exception where the president didn’t use the word million with his signature accent and the count was 1,600-ish.
Another Gotham resident weighed in on the matter, “Beating the police is our civil right. I remember that time the police arrested me after Batman beat me up. They made me plant trees during my jail time. What an atrocity!”
Being an anti-environmentalist activist, she went on praising the end of green initiatives from the former administration: “There’s finally someone who calls a spade a spade. It really was the “Green New Scam,” and I thank the thug-in-chief for his executive order to end the measures. Thug-in-chief is his official title, right?”
She kept on explaining by saying, “I read this research where it says that pollution will change the world for good, and trust me when I say it’s true. So, pulling out of the Paris Agreement and WHO was the right decision at the right time!”
Her fellow activist, a self-proclaimed expert in water resources, told us, “Everyone knows that the next world war will be fought for water. What’s the best alternative? Oil! It’s liquid, and it’s clear, so what’s the problem with drilling?” He was wondering why it has never been tested as a substitute for water. He believes Batman didn’t do it so that he could show what the previous administrations were missing.
When asked about his opinion on oil as a source of energy, he said, “Well, I learn every day, and it’s great that we found two different ways to use it. I hope it ends the search for sustainable energy. It’ll pollute the planet, lower prices, and, in turn, end all wars as the president already mentioned.”
When our interviewer asked him about natural gas extraction, he shied away and left for whatever reason while saying, “It’s natural, not that you can hold it in.”
In the southern part of Gotham, our reporters found millions and millions of aliens having to board ships to jump across the border. Though we couldn’t get hold of any of them, we found Bump supporters who were celebrating deportation. We have one of them on record saying, “Why can’t they stay where they’re from? The president will eventually take and rule all these lands, so they’ll become citizens of Gotham anyway.”
Mostly people were in support of the active duty military and National Guards on the scene trying to repel the invasion. A spokesperson from the military at the border said, “Our real fight is against all aliens — on earth and on Mars. The president has already seen aliens on Mars as he repeatedly said. We can’t be sure which aliens are from Mars and which are from Earth, so anyone who’s not a citizen of Gotham right now is an invader.”
All of a sudden, a local thug snatched the mic and started saying, “We are all in for the end of birthright citizenship! You can never know if the Martians have bred here, so nobody being born in Gotham going forward shouldn’t become a citizen.” He also thanked the on-duty personnel for their efforts, saying, “This is exactly how you use law enforcement agencies running on taxpayer money. This is how the almighty bump is stopping weaponization of law enforcement agencies”
Moving on to the huge fire in southwest Gotham, we found confirmation of the Mars conspiracy. A resident fleeing from the fire spoke to us while running: “I’ve seen those videos online, and I’m pretty sure I saw beams of green light when I was returning from the ‘Smoke Two Pints’ bar. People might say I’m spreading misinformation but you heard the president: “There’s no such thing as misinformation or disinformation, it’s all just free exchange of ideas.” It’s progress, I tell you.”
While on the topic of misinformation and disinformation, we found another Gotham thug saying, “I already know these aren’t real and neither are the people flaunting different identities. You know what’s real? What I have under these pants. All that talk of diversity, equality, and inclusion is nonsense as the president said.” Before going all graphic, he concluded, “I appreciate his guts for recognizing only two genders. Hats off, pants down.”
Businesspersons and the elite all around Gotham are backing Mr. Bump in his government spending directives. The president put ALong Tusk, the billionaire, in charge of the Bat Cave where all the government funds come from. Tusk sent us an exclusive photo in the cave with the caption: “If you’re still wondering who Batman was, look at who gave me the keys and play dumb. Batman was created so that he could be a black mark in history, only to return as the greatest thug ever and undo all the problems Batman stood for.”
Right before Tusk got hold of the funds, Mr. Bump froze all aid to nations outside Gotham. According to him, these so-called humanitarian causes were just scams to drain Gotham of its money and other resources. “Starving people don’t deserve life-saving medicine and transgender recruits don’t deserve to flood military restrooms either,” said an escapee from Arkham Asylum screamed while walking past our cameras. Our editor is still trying to figure out how someone put those two things in the same sentence.
All in all, Gotham’s new thug-in-chief has signed 200 executive orders so far and people are expecting hundreds more. He also pardoned great thugs and renamed significant landmarks and gulfs because he has the power to.
We’re still not sure where or who Batman is but all fingers are pointing at the president. People believe he caused all those annoying problems to show that Gotham didn’t need justice, it needed a thug president. Now that he’s missing, there’s peaceful chaos in Gotham. Many think it’s great that he was actually the greatest thug, not the opposite.
